I need more "Jersey Shore"

Let me begin with the fact that I am the product of 12 years of private Catholic education including a stretch at one of the finest parochial high schools in Atlanta (at that time actually the only one). That was followed by a successful "Post Graduate" year at an "Ivy League" preparatory school (http://www.hotchkiss.org) before embarking upon a college career. I graduated Cum Laude as a University Honors Scholar with a bachelor's degree in Political Science with a concentration in Public Administration and a double minor in History. My Honor's Thesis is published as a bound volume and on the university shelves. I have a Doctorate of Jurisprudence from one of the oldest institutions of legal education in the United States.

Why this litany of credentials? To declare my status as an intellectual first, 'cause I want, need, must confess that I have become addicted to this damn program. I have found myself irreparably drawn to a "reality" program that defies any logical form of normal human reason. I have become unabashedly envious of those who master their lives by the simple, but zen mantra, to wit: G-T-L.

I am a survivor of the initial MTV generation. I can remember calling my cable provider to proudly declare that "I want my MTV!" I still tune in on the satellite radio to the 80s channel to hear the nostalgic voices of Nina Balckwood and Martha Quinn. My heart yearns for the days when Music Television actually had something to do with music videos. I mourned at the loss of "Remote Control" host Ken Ober last November. Anyone remember the antics of a very young Adam Sandler pre-SNL?

Just when I had given all hope that the crap MTV airs would ever hold my interest again, along came this delectable piece of video candy. Could we have returned to the days when watching this vanguard network was actually an act of rebellion? Have we restored the honor of the "moonman" and planted the flag back into the hinterland of everything offensive to political sensitivity? Where we finally going to abandon forcing a politically correct agenda with pregnant teenage mothers and spoiled 16 year old rich children?

I best described it to my wife as the horrible road side accident with morbid and sanguinary fatalities. Reason, social training, and proper more dictate that one must look away in respect, however you are helplessly trapped in a gawky stare as you pass by unnecessarily slowly. Try as I might, an obsession formed to find out what would happen in next week's episode. In the absence of college football, my Saturdays would be spent watching the "catch-up" replays to bring myself up to speed.

Who could resist the "folksy" wisdom of a veritable genius that is "Snooki" (had to remind myself that it is with an "i" and not the traditional "y") I relish my new found knowledge that one should not eat lobsters because they are alive when you kill them!

As a man, husband, and father I am reminded of everything I have missed in life by the exploits of "The Situation." Oh to be an unapologetic chauvinistic alpha male asshole! My life would be so much simpler if all I had to do was strive to "get girls." How I waste my days at work paying bills to the man, when I could be at the gym or working on my tan! Before this program, my socially sheltered naivete thought "robbery" had to do with theft of goods or personalty by threat of force or harm. Now, I am a better person for discovering it means taking advantage of another man's bathroom break to steal away his conquest.

Thanks to Vinny, I know the sins of taking the bosses "girl" home from the bar.

Paulie demonstrated the proper etiquette when serving as a "wing man" in the hazards of wild hunting grounds that are the modern night clubs.

From Ronnie, I have taken away caution to avoid men from the Bronx with heavy accents who are bulging with muscles. Apparently steroids, combined with the lifting weights, make one more than swollen, it gives them the superhuman ability to put my ass on the ground with a single strike. Seriously buddy, love the ability, but you might want to put someone like myself on steady retainer for the future.

What I love the most is the ridiculous "outrage" by several Italian-American groups who protested the negative stereotype of the "guido." As they did when HBO broadcast the magic that was "The Sopranos," these groups flocked to the media to decry "foul" and demand retribution. According to UNICO National President Andre DiMino, Italian-Americans continue to be the only ethnic group that it is acceptable to negatively stereotype and demean. Here is my favorite quote by New York Post columnist Linda Stasi:

[Jersey Shore is a show]"...in which Italian-Americans are stereotyped (clearly at the urging of its producer) into degrading and debasing themselves -- and, by extension, all Italian-Americans -- and furthering the popular TV notion that Italian-Americans are gel-haired, thuggish, ignoramuses with fake tans, no manners, no diction, no taste, no education, no sexual discretion, no hairdressers (for sure), no real knowledge of Italian culture and no ambition beyond expanding steroid-and silicone-enhanced bodies into sizes best suited for floating over Macy's on Thanksgiving."

Let me just say this, as a overweight man, of Irish and French ancestry, raised in the South --

"Shut the hell up and quit your whining. Last time I checked, it remains perfectly fine to ridicule and mock people who are overweight, or to refer to those of us with a drawl as ignorant, uneducated, inbred hicks or rednecks. Hell, just a few years it was patriotic to make fun of the French and everybody thinks Irishmen are drunks."

If we are to celebrate diversity in our modern society, that means taking the good with the bad. America, as a melting pot, requires that we have people of all types, and stereotypes, to enhance the dish. When did it become so wrong to celebrate that which is merely reality, whether or not we like it? We may all have that weird in-law who smells funny and is a constant embarrassment, but we are not a family without them. There are Irish who are sodden. Some gay men are flamboyant, like my man, Cameron. Some Hispanics sound like Speedy Gonzalez when the speak. Some of Asian decent are really good at math. The guy from the credit card company sounds like Apu when he calls. There are actually white guys like myself who are nerdy geeks who follow Star Trek and have comic book collections.

The fact that I point these out does not make me intolerant or racist. It just makes me observant with the ability to find joy and humor in the human condition. My obsession with this program, "Modern Family," and "The Big Bang Theory" all stem from the fact that I might occasionally say internally "yeah, I've done that" or "I have a friend just like that." Even better still, I might gain some insight into a life that is not my own. I might garner a new understanding from witnessing first hand the trials and tribulations of another.

In the "light of day" the "ugly," might be seen more aptly, as the wonderfully unique.

I think Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola said it best in her own defense:

"It's just people living life on the show … that's it... We shouldn't judge, because everybody's their own person. I feel, as an Italian-American, I understand their ways. People are what they are ... and that's the way it is."

So, MTV, bring me another season with the majority of this cast. Feed my hunger and entertain me.

Oh, dear enchantress Snickers, I am hungry for more and I am not going anywhere for a while.

Babe, orange is the new tan!